Why did I lie to myself??
Ok… so here we are… on the bathroom floor again. You’re wondering what the hell went wrong and why you lied to yourself yet again.
“What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself?” you ask as you try to grind your palm into your head.
“Why In the hell did I do this… why did I lie to myself… again????”
Ok… first… just stop it… you will not rub the pain away, and you may give yourself a rash if you keep trying to rub your forehead that way. Just take a breath…
…now take another.
With me?? Let’s take one more.
You didn’t lie to yourself. You just thought that what you had always done before would work this time.
And it’s all your brain’s fault.
Your brain was just doing its job because you said you wanted something.
Your brain, being the lovely problem solving machine that it is, set to work to get you what you said you wanted. Unfortunately, you just weren’t really clear on the details of what it is that you really… REALLY want. You were just putting a Band-Aid over a sacred wound or you were distracting yourself from a fear, or any number of other things that we use our drugs of choice for. The fact is, your brain did exactly what it is designed to do; it followed a pattern, it found a solution, and it came up with reasons why it would work… THIS TIME.
And it will keep doing that until you get really clear on exactly what you need. Not what you want; what you need.
Now, before you go beating yourself up. Take my advice. Don’t do it.
Take another breath and let it go…
Feeling shame or guilt or regret about you most recent trip to la la land, will not help you. These things only keep you stuck and perpetuate the behavior. Once you step out of shame, you step into choice. And choice is where you want to be. Choice allows you to get off auto pilot. Once you are in choice, you can determine what you have learned, figure out what you need and vow to make a better choice next time.
The reality is, sometimes you have to take that trip over to la la land in order to figure out what you DON’T want.
Each and every person that you encounter is here to teach you a lesson…
“Sometimes your greatest teachers in life had no idea just what they taught you. Especially those who treated you the worst. The day you said, ‘I deserve better than this!’ was the day you graduated from their class.”
Gary Zukav calls it the “The Earth School” because that is what it is. We are here for the purpose of learning. The most constant lesson that has come up for me… and I think for most people… is self-worth. I guarantee you there isn’t a person on this planet who has not faced this one. We all have our demons, we all have our issues and we all choose, in one way or another, to anesthetize ourselves to the fact that we feel alone.
The truth is, nobody, and I mean nobody, can truly get you and share your take on the world. It is truly yours to understand and embrace. And it is only yours. We long for that certain someone who understands what makes us tick, but as the saying goes “until they have walked a mile in your shoes…” you know the rest.
That’s not to say that you are here to be a lone wolf, that’s not the point. The point is, other people should add flavor to your life, but they shouldn’t be your life. You and you alone are responsible for loving you, embracing you and empowering you. Once you have done that, you’ll attract others who will do so as well.
Until you do, your brain will keep taking you on this little journey because your spirit has allowed it to in hopes that you will get it this time. And if not this time, maybe next time. It will keep trying and keep whispering to you that you are already wonderful, that you were born that way and that you were born for greatness.
The only thing keeping you from it is your acceptance of the truth of this.