It’s not meant to be that way, but as kids, we were told to be polite, to not hurt other people’s feelings, to agree. We were trained to lie from the moment our mothers taught us the rhyme “sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of”
Standing in your truth means that you are able to state what is true for you or about you. Your truth is yours alone, it’s your perspective about events in your life from YOUR point of view. Others around you may see things from different point of view and that is ok. What is important is that you learn to appreciate that your truth is just as valid.
You don’t people please.
You don’t bend.
You don’t sugar coat it.
You say words out loud.
You can see the problem for most women, right?
We weren’t raised that way.
We were taught to accommodate; that others feelings were much more important than ours. So much so, that we often have a continual tape running in our heads telling us what is proper behavior, what is expected of us, how we should look, act and think.
I remember the days when I couldn’t stand in my truth. I honestly didn’t know what my truth was. Even worse was that I was an incredible people-pleaser and a chameleon. I couldn’t say words out loud that may have caused disagreement, I couldn’t actually say no. I gossiped in order to feel important and “in the know”.
And I considered myself an honest person.
It’s hard for me to admit that. I have always valued honesty above all else, and yet, for years, because I couldn’t actually tell the truth (much less admit it to myself) people were often angry with me for lying.
I lied every time I denied myself.
I lied every time I agreed to something I didn’t want to do.
I lied every time I said yes when I wanted to say no.
I lied every time I tried to be whatever I thought people wanted me to be.
I lied when I didn’t speak up.
I never intended to be a liar, I just wanted to be loved, but the fact is, I was a liar and I didn’t even realize it.
Finding myself stuck for 5 years in a marriage to a man that I had no business marrying in the first place did the trick. About two years into our marriage, we tried marriage therapy. Our therapist “fired” us. We DID NOT belong together.
Through that process, I discovered that I had completely lost connection to who I truly was. I was lost in my role as wife and mother, but “Starr”, the core of who I was, had completely gone underground.
With patience and a whole lot of journaling and inner work, I began to piece myself back together. I began acting from a place of integrity. I slowly began telling the truth to my friends about who I was and what I liked.
Once I felt secure in the love of my friends, telling my ex that I wanted out was the next step. I hadn’t noticed that he had stopped wearing his wedding ring 6 months earlier; he wanted out too! We had the fastest and most cooperative divorce on record. 5 months later we were free of each other.
I learned that as uncomfortable as I thought being completely honest was, the only really uncomfortable part was in my head. I soon discovered that I could tell other people the truth…my truth…and they could handle it.
And the best part? Nobody died. I didn’t, they didn’t. The world has survived me telling the truth.
So…can you do it? Yes, you can.
Is it scary? Yes it is.
But the fear that you have is based in this whole idea of not-enoughness combined with the sense that we’re not lovable if we don’t accommodate.
And that is the biggest lie of all.
Don’t believe it for a second.