As we continue our exploration of our brains in relationship…let’s take a look at some of the lies we tell ourselves. The funny thing is, as I look at this list, it seems long and the temptation is great to edit it down and take out some of the more embarrassing lies…
But to be honest, this is only a partial list of the lies I once told myself on a regular basis.
Once I realized my worth, I stopped lying to myself altogether.
It just takes some brave embracing of your truth.
Some of the greatest lies I’ve ever told to myself
We’ve all done it and lord knows, I’ve done it a lot. As a serial monogamist I’ve lied, I’ve reasoned, I’ve cajoled myself into situations that did not serve me. The fact is there have been many times in which I’ve talked myself into taking a path that did not serve my highest good.
And it’s all ok. Really.
These lies in fact pointed me to my highest good. They pointed me to places within that needed healing; I just went about it in a round-about way.
So let’s take a look at some of them: (and yes, most have to do with the opposite sex)
- He needs me to help him heal.
- I need someone who just gets me
- Once I have someone in my life who loves me, I will be ok, I can move forward.
- Sex is the number one most important thing in a relationship.
- Things will be ok as long as the sex is good, then we can work on the rest of it.
- He just needs someone who understands him.
- If I just love him enough, he will change.
- My love will save him.
- If he’s around me and feels my love, he’ll see that the world isn’t as terrible as he thinks.
- If I can’t put up with his shit, I have no business being in this relationship.
- It is totally ok that I have this secret life, it empowers me.
- There are no perfect men out there, so I may as well settle for this one.
- I can’t have what I want.
- I don’t deserve what I want.
- I’m not enough.
- I’m fat. I’m old…I’m…fill in the blank
- I’ll never have enough…..
- He’s shy, he doesn’t know that I like him, I need to call/text just to check in with him.
- I can bargain with him…if I just allow his unacceptable behavior, I can tell him that in exchange he needs to give me…..
- I’ll let him decide what we need to do about……
- He’s the one, he has to be the one….because he…..
- It doesn’t matter that he’s cheating on his wife…I understand him, and she doesn’t…I’m doing her a favor
- He’s being very careful with his money, so it is totally ok if I pay for….
- His work is important to him, I need to be understanding about him not spending time with me
- If I just give a little more, he’ll see that it’s ok to love me…I’ll break through that wall and he will be forever grateful
- One day he will tell me what an amazing woman I am…I just need to show him
- Nobody understands him the way I do
- It’s ok that he lied to me, I understand why he did it
I could go on and these are just my lies. I’m sure you could come up with a few of your own; as a matter of fact, I want you to, because this is how you heal. This is how you know when you are lying to yourself and it will point you to where you need to do some cleaning up.
We’re calling it playing dress up in the mirror, because that is what you do. Each person that comes into your life, reflects back to you what you need to know. It is unfair and unnecessary to project your needs and wants on to someone else. You are the hero of your story and you are responsible for getting your needs met. Sure, you may require assistance from someone else, but before you do that, you must make sure that you are unable to fulfill the need on your own. We do need others for companionship and connection, I am not asking you to go it alone. I am asking you to recognize that a lot of what we think we need others for, we are actually capable of providing for ourselves.
Let’s take a look at my biggest and most common lie:
And I shake my head and sigh even before the words flow on the page…
“He needs me to help him heal”
Ugh…. groan…. oh man… ok breathing
This one has killed me over and over again. It is my biggest and most common trap. I am a healing, caring, giving person by nature so when I see someone who is in emotional pain, I want to help. It is what I do…right?
Wrong…it is what I do with men. I never do it with my female friends.
My girlfriends love me and value my counsel. As their friend, however, I recognize that they are on their own journey and they will figure out their personal lesson when they are ready. If they want my advice, I am happy to assist and often do, but I wait for them to ask. I recognize that they are going to go through their stuff and fix it only as they are capable of doing so. I never think…”oh…look, here is my best friend who is really, really troubled in her relationship. If I can just help her heal, I know she will value me and love me”
As a matter of fact, I ask my friends often when they pour their heart out to me if they want me to give them the “girlfriend” answer or the “coach” answer. I recognize that sometimes they just need to vent and that sometimes I just need to add in a “are you fucking kidding me??” rather than a “well, now let’s look at this from a spiritual perspective”. I get it.
In such situations, it is all about what is best for them and I really don’t worry about whether they love me or not. I know they do and I know they are capable of managing their life.
But with men….that is a whole different story. The whole idea that I know better than them what they need for healing is ridiculous. My pattern, however was that I was attracted to men who would not recognize an emotion if it came up and smacked them upside the head. Clearly I knew better than they what their inner landscape was like, I knew how to handle their emotions and I totally knew that my love would cure them.
Sigh…. yeah… sure I did.
What I’ve learned is that people only heal when they want to…and it has nothing to do with me. It is projecting my need to be needed onto another.
In most cases with the men in my pattern, they had zero desire to heal. None.
They were perfectly happy being the way they were and there was nothing I could do to change that, not that I didn’t try. The reality is had they wanted to change, they would have.
I had to dig deep and really take a look at my lie.
What was it inside of me that needed to heal?
My need to be needed
What would being needed give me?
Gratitude from another, recognition of my kindness, it would make me feel good about myself
So my primary need was….
I wanted to feel good about myself
Do I need another person to do this…or can I give this to myself?
I can do this myself
By feeling good about myself…and recognizing that I am an amazing, kind person.
Do you see how this works?? Every lie you tell points to the truth. Every lie you tell yourself, gives you a clue about a need that is unfulfilled.
Sometimes it’s as simple as recognizing that the opposite is true and sometimes you have to dig a bit deeper to understand the underlying need. Take a look at your lies, figure them out and make a vow to yourself that you will recognize them for what they are; opportunities to heal your sacred wound. Be grateful for them and question each and every one of them.
Look at your pattern; are you telling yourself the same lie over and over again? Why?? Use this as your jumping off point to introduce yourself to the wondrous creature that you are.
These four questions are important when identifying what it is that you really need:
When you find a lie, or a struggle, ask yourself
- What is it that I need?
- What will fulfilling this need give me?
- Given the answer to number 2, what is my primary need?
- Can I fulfill this need or do I need someone else to help me?
- How do I get my need met?
If you need help with this, send me a message and let’s practice!