Maybe I Should Come Back Here

This blog was written on January 25, 2009

 I had been  married to my 2^nd husband for 3 months and 17 days. I can see it in my tone, I don’t know if you can pick it up or not, but I was miserable. Somewhere deep down inside I knew that I had “made a mistake” but it would take me another 3 years to finally say it out loud.

 And now, 12 years later, fully recognize that it was not a mistake. That in fact, things unfolded exactly as they needed to. No more, no less.

But there is no way you could have convinced me of that at the time…

Maybe I should come back here

Well, yeah, I haven’t blogged since May 2008.

And well, it’ s not like I went off, got married and lived happily ever after. Funny how that only happens in the movies. That’s cuz in the movies, you cut away, never to return, never to see what happens the day after.

We’re doing ok. We struggle sometimes, things flow smoothly sometimes. We’ve had our actual first fight and survived. Funny aside here was I had to fight the inclination to tell him to get the fuck out and never come back.

Why funny? Um well, because…I think you’re more willing to throw in the towel the 2nd time around…and it takes an amazing bit of concentration and self control not to. It’s funny cuz there is a part of you that is so wanting to do so…and another part of you that knows with all certainty that you have work to do.

So, it’s been back to a spiritual exploration. Back to finding the real me. I’ve found myself wondering if I’m ever really satisfied, or if I just keep pushing myself to find the next great thing…never stopping to consider that perhaps I’ve found it and perhaps, just perhaps I should relish in my accomplishments. Maybe I should celebrate how far I’ve come. Maybe…and this isn’t a maybe, it’s a for sure…I’m right where I ought to be.

Ya know what else I’ve been struggling with? Being mature.

I’m 44. I’m married. I have 3 boys…and in a months time, it will be 3 TEENAGE boys. I have a job that requires stability and concentration and precise communication. Gone are the days of adventure and danger and well, it seems passion. Gone are the days of thinking only of myself…of saying “what the fuck” and proceeding anyway. Cuz, here’s the sucky part, I’m fully aware of what happens after that what the fuck moment. I’m entirely conscious of the havoc that comes as a result, of the lives that are hurt and changed forever because of any kind of foolish choice I may make. And I’m unwilling to throw other peoples lives into chaos just so that I can have a bit of fun.

See? Maturity….I understand it, I know the truth of it…and yet there is this part of me that simply rails against it.

Suddenly there is this part of me that wishes I could go back and make all of those mistakes all over again, without the knowledge of the chaos that would follow. How weird it that? Cuz that would mean that I would wish for all of the heartache all over again.

And lord knows there would be heartache…my blogs of the past are filled with it aren’t they?

It seems I’ve just hit on something, haven’t I?

It’s not like we come to maturity and decide to be boring. We come to maturity with the scars of our past choices, with the certainty of our role in our own pain, we come to maturity with the knowledge and wisdom to not pass that way again. And I suppose, we can relive our glory days in our memories, and smile….but can we forget the morning after?

Can we forget what happens after happily ever after?

I suppose that would be a neat trick. But then….we’d only be destined to repeat the mistakes of the past.

I guess with maturity comes wisdom…and I’m pretty sure that is what I’ve been seeking all along.