I gazed at my husband across the dinner table and said
“Here lately everything you say just pisses me off”
He looked up in shock “oh…that’s not good…what did I do?”
I shook my head…”see that’s the thing, I don’t think you did anything, it’s just that lately whenever you speak it makes me angry and I think mean thoughts. It’s not normal for me”
He nodded his head “well, why do you think it is?”
I admitted that I didn’t know, but it occurred to me that I’d been here before.
I said “I remember feeling this way with my first two husbands…the difference is that I just went with it and assumed they were assholes, now I know…it’s not you, it’s me. There is something bothering me and I haven’t said it out loud, I just don’t know what it is”
He frowned “saying ‘it’s not you it’s me’ isn’t exactly comforting”
Boy, I got that…that never really helps in any situation.
But in this case, it was true.
I mean, it’s a given, and my husband and I agree that he is entirely capable of being an asshole. He readily admits that he can be “a lot”. But having lived together for 7 years and married for 3, I’ve mastered detachment when he’s in a mood and together we’ve absolutely perfected the art of leaving the room when one of us is triggered. We’ve agreed not to communicate when we’re angry because we are both capable of extreme cruelty in those moments.
And we know that words can never be unsaid.
It was not a casual thing for me to tell him that he was making me angry at every turn. I’m a recovering people pleaser. It was never ok for me to be randomly angry when I grew up…hell it was never ok for me to be angry at all! So…admitting to him out loud and to myself that there was an issue was a sheer act of bravery.
And a necessary one. You can’t fix a thing you’re not willing to look at.
These days, I look at everything. There is no part of my interior landscape that is not worthy of my gaze. My quest is to simply be happy…but genuinely so. The rose colored glasses have slipped a bit. I want TRUE happiness from the depths of my soul.
And this only happens, when I honor “my human”.
I’ve come to think that way. I see the part of me that is human, that feels emotional pain, the part of me who makes mistakes and acts out, the completely loveable, absolutely adorable, full of flaws, angst, joy and whimsy; that’s my human.
I am a Spiritual being having a Human experience.
My human needed attention but I wasn’t quite sure what to do next.
I pulled a card from my oracle deck. Funnily enough I can’t remember which one. As soon as I read the description however, a ton of messages came to me and the words came flooding out…
“I’ve been spending a whole lot of time by myself lately and my thoughts have just been swirling around in there; I get angry because sometimes I need help and you’re not able to assist, so I get this attitude of ‘I’ll just do it myself’ and pretty soon I’m doing EVERYTHING by myself.”
Scott looked at me evenly and said “well, and sometimes I can’t physically help, it’s true. I know it can be frustrating, so what do we do?”
And it was in that moment that I felt like Spirit slapped me upside the head…
“I’m to forgive you, because it’s not your fault. And…I’m to remember that even though you can’t help me physically sometimes, you absolutely support and assist me emotionally and spiritually and that is essential. No one else can do that the way you do.”
We smiled at each other. Mischief Managed.
And yet…there’s a postscript…
Before bed, I wrote in my journal
“I realized I’ve been snippy and resentful with Scott today – I’m not sure why – but I haven’t been writing in my journal I wonder if…
(once again, I receive that “slapped upside the head” feeling from Spirit)
Yes…yes there is a connection.
I guess my thoughts need sorting. 🙂”
Too often, we allow our thoughts to run around willy-nilly in our head. We don’t stop to question, we just allow them to run wild. Wild thoughts lead to other wild thoughts, and without control, those thoughts soon turn negative. They are like dust bunnies. I had allowed the dust bunnies to collect unabated.
The cure for such things is journaling.
It helps me to clear things out; to express and examine my thoughts and to replace funky thoughts with bright shiny new ones. It allows me to process and heal my human.
I began my journaling and meditation practice again the next morning and the quality of my thoughts has improved immensely. I am at peace.
Having neglected this essential maintenance, my human took over, leaving my Spirit to simply observe and wait for the proper moment for me to recognize my need to heal. It is the way of things. Spirit can only do for you what It can do through you. You must be willing to do the work.