So, get ready, cuz we are headed into the land of Woo!
It actually started for me the day before yesterday. Scott and I are heavily in to Universal Law and manifesting. We know that one of the most powerful things you can do is to write down your dreams and goals…to just let loose and imagine everything that you want so that you can put that energy out into the Universe! It was my idea to write down the next home that we want to manifest.
As soon as I started writing, I felt resistance. I heard the words in my head “this is not for you”. We kept going anyway and wrote out everything that we could think of. I know that I can’t manifest something if there is any part of me that has resistance; it must be investigated and cleared. I made a mental note to check into it when I wrote in my journal next.
Yesterday morning when I got up, I sat down with my coffee and my journal and asked the question “is there any part of me that feels that this is not “for” me. And soon I was flooded with reasons why I shouldn’t be wealthy…because millionaires are evil people and I’m not evil, because people with lots of money don’t care about anybody but themselves, because I should struggle, it’s noble to struggle. As the list went on and on, I became aware that none of this was related to this lifetime. It felt ancestral to me.
One of my friends reads Akashic records, so I sent her a quick text and asked her if there was a curse or karmic debt there. She said she would check and let me know.
I felt a pull to check into my paternal ancestors in North Carolina, the Tatham family. Because it was a southern state, I knew there was possibly slavery in my family history, and I also knew that the Tatham’s owned land that had something to do with the Trail of Tears…the displacement of thousands of Native Americans that led to sorrow, disease and death.
I began researching the Trail of Tears…and my family’s tie to it and discovered the horrific experience for so many people and the thousands and thousands of deaths that resulted from it. My family owned land in Andrews, North Carolina at the beginning of the route; they had allowed a road to be built in Tatham Gap to facilitate the move. Not only that, the original Tatham settler in that area of, had as his nearest neighbor a Native American chief who had saved the life of a white general. A generation later, our family stood by while the Cherokee tribe was forcibly moved to Oklahoma.
So, there was ancestral betrayal…and I felt it. Horribly.
My friend who does the Akashic records messaged me and said that there was a curse on my spirit from 25 lifetimes ago and it now manifests in my lifetime as self doubt. Well yeah, I get that. I push past it now, but it has taken me a long time to learn to do so. I tucked that away in my mind and started my work for the day.
My first task was to do some angel card readings for a couple of clients. As I shuffled the cards…nothing came….NOTHING! I cut the cards into three piles and pulled a card from each pile and still nothing came to me. At first I thought that perhaps I was in judgement about the person I was reading for. I was at least told “no, that’s not it”. I prayed and tried to pull cards again…still nothing. I knew that I needed to talk to my Akashic record friend and actually had a call scheduled with her that morning. So I sent a message to my clients and told them that I was blocked and I would get back to their readings in a couple of hours.
Then I connected with my friend. And that was even weird, we were blocked, the electronics didn’t cooperate, some info was trickling through for me to assist her, but nothing major. It was just a struggle and we talked about the Trail of Tears thing. I told her that I live near a reservation, perhaps I need to go out there and put my feet on the ground and apologize. I said that I wish I knew a Native American, maybe I need to just be all weird and apologize to someone, or maybe I needed to do some kind of ceremony…but I the only “indian” that I knew was an “India Indian”.
We finished our chat and my friend said that she would dig into my Akashic record more thoroughly and report back.
I went into the office to try to work and pull those cards again and was told by Spirit that I couldn’t work in the office, that I had to go work in my room. So, I grabbed all my stuff and headed into my room. Just as I sat down and tried to get organized, I received a phone call.
It was my “India Indian” friend. She called to tell me something important she had just discovered about astrology and client attraction, she was like…”I know you know this stuff” and I just started laughing. I honestly know NOTHING about astrology but I explained how my morning had gone. I told her that it couldn’t have been a mistake that she called JUST then.
And…she lives in North Carolina.
I said “I feel like I need to apologize to someone”
And she said “well, I think you need to apologize to me”
I said “well, but you’re an India Indian”
And she said…”in this lifetime, yes”
So, I apologized and told her how deeply sorry I was for the betrayal and harsh treatment of my ancestors…and I felt the sorrow and remorse.
She accepted my apology and said ”I feel like I gotta go outside”
I started to get the chills and said…”OK me too, now when you get out there, point yourself in the direction of Andrews …it’s west of you”
She said she had no idea where that was, she was directionally challenged, but she was standing outside with her feet in the earth.
I went outside, and faced the Hualapai Mountains with my feet in the dirt too.
It was 90 degrees outside and I had goosebumps all over. So did she.
Even now as I write this…I’ve got the goosebumps!
And believe me when I tell you…the two of us were just giggling hysterically by this point.
We ended our call and she promised to send me more information later.
When I came back in, it became clear that I could now go back to the office to do my work. I was able to do my readings…but had little time to finish because I had to get my mom to a doctor’s appointment.
I got them done and then rushed to grab some lunch, get dressed and rush out the door.
As soon as I got in my car, I felt the presence of another spirit and knew that it was my great grandfather from my mother’s side. I said out loud “what can I do for you Marcus?” and received “do the same for the Bonners too”. The Bonners…what did they do? What could that have been? I said “I will” and then he was gone.
I don’t know much about the Bonners, but I did recall hearing a family story about Marcus and my great grandmother Melinda participating in the Oklahoma land rush…I didn’t know much, but it felt like the thread I needed to be investigated.
I called Scott to tell him what had just happened and he said “of course, this makes sense, your family has had an issue with the land that they owned and we have been talking about purchasing land, of course you have to clear it.”
I went on about my business for the rest of the day, got mom to the doctor, then the store, then home. I came home and had dinner and finished the rest of my work for my muggle clients, finished up a couple more readings and then stayed at my computer to figure out what the heck Markus had to do with the Oklahoma land rush.
I found a document that I have had for years, it was a genealogical history written by my mom. I found the legend of Markus and Melinda Bonner participating in the Cimarron Land Rush in Oklahoma in 1889.
Scott and I began scouring the internet and ancestry.com for clues. Markus was in Kansas at the time, near the Oklahoma border, but Melinda was pregnant and in addition had with 3 toddlers in April of 1889.
The more I dug, the more I realized…my ancestors…they didn’t know at the time, but by today’s standards, they were assholes…
My paternal ancestors owned the land and allowed the road to be built that was the beginning of the Trail of Tears
They stood by while thousands of people were removed from their homes and sent to Oklahoma
Many died along the way…
And then…A generation later, my maternal ancestors forced them to move again.
Talk about your karmic debt.
And that was when I realized that I had set these events in motion by noticing my resistance the day before and working to investigate it. It seemed clear that because I had stated my desire, there was work to be done on the Spiritual level in order for it to manifest.
I’m still not sure about heading to the reservation and asking for forgiveness, it feels like the awareness is enough. I do know for sure that when we find the house that we are seeking to manifest, we are going to have to heal the land and perform some kind of ritual to ask for forgiveness and express gratitude.
It feels like there is still more that Marcus wants me to know…so I’ve reached out to my medium friends to see if they can add any more information for me. The historical record is pretty sketchy. And for some reason, this is the route I have to go…I’ve even been told that Marcus will give them the name of one of his daughters so that I know it’s him. (yeah, I dunno why he doesn’t just say what I need to know…but whatever…they do things the way they do them)
After all of that research, Scott and I decided to dig into our records a bit further, and discovered that we have ancestors who we are certain knew each other, they lived in the same town at the same time and both had jobs that would have brought them into contact with one another….
But that…is just another chapter in the way things unfold in the life of an intuitive
And for sure…our lives and past lives are intertwined in ways that we can only dream of.
No, it’s not like that, we’re not meth dealers or anything…
We just have dogs…
And well…one of us is in charge of cleaning it up
But tends to rake it into piles and call it good for the day
Yesterday, an officer from Kingman Police Department’s, neighborhood services division showed up on our doorstep. He told Scott that a neighbor had complained about “excessive feces” in the back yard and garage. He said we needed to clean it up and he would be back in a couple of weeks to check on it.
At first we were puzzled…our garage is only ever open for us to get our car thru.
Well, and then I was embarrassed, it’s my job to clean up after the dogs.
But I told myself, what with building an empire, taking care of mom, taking care of everything…I would get to it eventually…and it just piled up.
After a few minutes, I said to Scott “well, there you have a prime example of manifesting by default”
Because for the last week, I’d been walking out in the back yard and wishing I could get it cleaned up. And I kinda wanted to create a nice peaceful haven on the back patio. And I really wished someone would clean up after the dogs…
BOOM the Universe handed me the means to get all that done in the form of one very kindly member of Kingman’s finest…and a neighbor with a problem. I didn’t get it really. We’re quiet people. We don’t bother anybody. And yes, our dogs bark and poop to be sure…but what the actual fuck? I had a feeling that I knew who the neighbor was. He seemed to like us at first, but as time has gone on, he’s found more and more reasons not to like us.
It came to me that perhaps I was nose blind to the issue, and certainly blind to other issues that needed to be addressed, like the fact that a having a house surrounded by shit is not a good way to manifest an empire. I’ll be honest though, when I asked the Universe the other day to show me what needed to be done in order to manifest the life I desire, cleaning up dog shit was not anywhere near what I had in mind. But it had to be done.
It took me about an hour to clean it up. No big.
This morning, I decided to go one better. The weeds around the house have been growing. So, I headed outside to tackle some of that.
As I was pulling the weeds between houses, my mind wandered. I kept wondering what was up with the neighbor. I felt bad that anyone would have a moment of anger over something that I just wasn’t paying attention to. I thought about how, the last time he came over and SCREAMED at me telling me to shut my dog up, I was seriously unnerved and upset. But I went over a few days later and gave him my phone number. I told him that he should never get that angry again, if he has a problem, here’s my phone number, just call.
Maybe he lost the number?
Or maybe it wasn’t him.
I kept thinking…and kept pulling weeds.
I thought that perhaps I should do something nice for this neighbor. That used to be the MO of the people pleaser that I was. However, I nixed that quickly. I don’t play that game anymore. I’m not going to bend over backwards to get someone to like me. So no I am not pulling his weeds, not baking him cookies, not spending any more effort than needed to try and win the approval of someone who should be apologizing to me for being rude.
I kept pulling weeds and cleaning. I’d work on a patch here and a patch there, I’d rake and put things in the trash. I’d stop, I’d look, I’d pull…
And I kept thinking.
For a second, I considered that, unlike me, most people might take revenge or have ill feelings toward the guy next door. That would be a big waste of my energy and I don’t have time for that.
The way I look at it, I had a blind spot and someone let me know about it.
I considered how that person must have felt, and how angry they must have been, how maybe they had just had enough. Although the dog shit may have been the catalyst, their actions really had nothing to do with me personally; that they were, in fact, in pain. I’m probably just one person on a long list of people that this person has a grievance with. I felt compassion for them.
I stood in the middle of the front yard and looked at all of the houses on our street. The street is closed off on one end, so there are just the 10 houses on a very quiet block. I don’t know anyone’s name…there’s just “the people across the street with all the cars in the yard…who are probably mechanics” and “the old guy with the little dog who goes for a walk every day” and “the guy with the black and white American flag on his truck” and “the asshole neighbor who yelled at me” and “the lady next door who never comes out”….and other than that, I have no idea who they are.
I thought about maybe sending a nice letter to each of them telling them who I am and thanking whoever it was that called the pd on us, and letting them know that it’s really ok to knock on my door and tell me stuff. But let’s face it…do any of us actually open our doors to strangers anymore? Do I really want to take on being Miss Mary Sunshine in the neighborhood? Wouldn’t that be an extraordinary action to take for a temporary problem that I’d fixed already?
Instead, I looked at each house and I sent blessings to the occupants. I sent blessings to our “agent of the Universe” who called and kicked me in the butt to clean up the yard. I blessed the asshole neighbor who is fighting a battle with a wife with MS and a bad back…and many other battles that I can only imagine. I sent a prayer for his happiness.
Sometimes there is no action to take, but to find peace and to send love to those who you think you should be mad at; to simply accept the course correction for the blessing that it is and move forward.
After all, it isn’t so much about making peace with people who are angry as it is about making peace within your Self.
Vowing to come back to the weeds in a day or two, I picked up the shovel and the rake and the broom, closed up the garage, and came in the house.
The dogs greeted me cheerfully and scratched at the door to go in the back yard…and go poop.
… It’s been 2 years, well I guess 3 since my 2nd divorce.
I’ll admit… I went a bit crazy again after my 2nd marriage ended. And well… The old patterns started showing up again. But this time I had a lot more knowledge. And I had a really supportive circle of friends.
I had friends in my life who loved me… And I soon tired of the chaos that I tried to create. It took about 6 months of crazy and a couple of really good coaches to help me but eventually I stabilized.
There were some fast and furious love affairs, but eventually I figured out that if I didn’t treasure my heart, no one else would.
And then I learned to say no.
So… Yes… My 2nd marriage was a big fat lie.
And I was well and truly stuck.
And worse than that… He had a LOT of money and he married me because I didn’t really think money was that important.
Funnily enough apparently, I also didn’t think my integrity was that important either.
Now… 10 years later, I can tell you that my integrity is more important than just about anything. I have to look at myself in the mirror each day and I like me. I respect me, I trust me.
I didn’t then.
I always say, it’s a hell of a thing to have your 2nd husband say the exact same thing to you that your first husband did.
And when that happened, I had a choice.
I could think they were both assholes and not telling the truth.
Or I could figure that there was one true common denominator in the equation and it was me.
I chose the 2nd option.
As painful as it was, I decided that if I did nothing else, I could figure out how the hell I got to where I was. And I could learn to make better choices.
And I tried at the marriage. I really did.
It finally got to the point where I said to him “look, we need counseling and if you’re not going to go, I’ll go by myself”
He agreed to go.
And we went for a few months until our therapist fired us.
Yeah… It was that bad.
But I still wanted to figure out what the hell happened.
I wanted to know where I went and how I lost my voice.
I needed to find me again.
And so I dug into Spirituality. I went to meditations, I read, I found teachers. I’d been doing it all along, but now I had a goal and a cause.
I was tired of living a lie.
I wanted to find the truth.
My 2nd husband had one philosophy that served me “happy wife, happy life”.
So whatever I wanted to learn, whatever helped me grow and be more peaceful… He was happy to pay for.
And that was when I took the Manuy Ki rites and met my first guide.
And then I met The Grannies. My ancestral guides.
And I met a guide named Shanti who told me that I had a black spot on my heart.
And that was when a friend who was also a therapist taught me about Internal Family Systems so that I could manage all the parts of myself that transformed and changed and protected me by creating chaos in order to protect my inner child.
I learned meditation, I learned to strengthen my Intuition. I learned to hold space for others.
And one night I went to a large group healing. And for some reason, I watched energetic healers and kept putting myself at the back of the line for a reading.
And when I finally got my Angel reading… The girl said “The Angels don’t have an answer to your question, they want you to know… That you know… You always know.”
And that was when I realized… That yes… I’ve always known. Since I was a child… I’ve KNOWN. I’ve always had some force that has kept me from complete disaster… And danger.
I just know.
And slowly, I started telling the truth to my friends and they still loved me.
Slowly… I told the truth to everyone but my husband.
And around that time I got my first Angel Card deck. For some reason I kept pulling the “Truth and Integrity” card.
I really hated that card.
And it took me a while. But eventually I told the truth to my husband. And told him I wanted a divorce.
It was the fastest, easiest divorce in history. I walked away with enough money to live on for about 6 months, but in our 5 years together, he had paid off my credit cards, paid off my car and kept my family afloat when my first husband couldn’t pay child support. He paid for my education and anything I wanted really. I couldn’t in good conscience take away his business…even tho I could have.
I just wanted out.
I help women live a life of integrity
I help women discover the truth of their lives
I help women discover their Spiritual gifts
I help other women become more of themselves 😊
And then there was my post divorce insanity…
In which Starr lost her mind
And her dignity (if I ever actually had it)
And well… I’ve told my kids that I will pay for their therapy. Still… They seem to be ok so far.
It was crazy.
I so wanted to do anything rather than feel the pain of the loss of 20 years of being married to someone I grew up with, had children with, depended on… For everything.
And believe me when I say… I was not fun to be married to.
I just shake my head.
But anyway… It ended, and I threw myself into the dating world. I was in search of the TRUE love of my life.
Funnily enough, I pretty much thought that just about every guy who came along was THE ONE.
Even while declaring that the only one to rescue me was me.
Even while I tried to deal with the absolute anger that I felt… There were levels of rage that came out that terrified me.
Even while I was the model of strength and understanding at work.
Yeah… I was living a lie… I stayed busy so that I could keep running away from the truth.
My weekdays were filled with the image of the dependable single mom who had everything handled.
My weekends were absolute mayhem. I was a picture of extremes.
And then… I fell in love with someone who told me…HE SAID OUT LOUD TO ME… that he wasn’t boyfriend material.
It didn’t matter.
My love would change him.
I could fix him.
He would be so grateful for my eternal love that one day he would look at me and realize that he needed me and loved me above all others.
I still roll my eyes at that one.
And by now, you know the rest of the story.
I broke my heart.
I did it… It wasn’t his fault. I didn’t listen.
I built this fantasy world and ended up dancing by myself…it was me. I betrayed myself.
And so, when I met a man who was completely opposite of my bad boy “not boyfriend material” guy…
I dove right in.
I mean seriously… Why would I ever stop to actually heal when I could just find someone else?
And all it took was to just be who this new guy wanted me to be.
Even tho it wasn’t really me.
Even tho I hadn’t actually taken the time to figure out if I really wanted to be with him.
Even tho he told me his business would always come first.
I thought I could fix him.
I thought he would change.
I thought he would be so grateful..
And when he asked me to marry him… I said yes.
Because I didn’t know how to say no.
And I got caught in my own trap.
Funnily enough… On our wedding night I snuck off to bed by myself… Without saying good night to him or anyone else… And went to sleep.
Who does that?
I help women who aren’t sure who they are
I help women who have everything in their life handled except that one thing
I help women who would really love to claim their own power over their own life.
I don’t know if you would believe it or not knowing me now…
But I used to be a hot mess…
Marriage number 1 lasted for about 20 years
I was a drama queen. I couldn’t keep a secret to save my life. People were always mad at me for that… Well and for saying things I shouldn’t say and for being someone with one person but then a completely different person with another.
And yet… I Still had wisdom, people still came to me for advice… Because somehow I always KNEW what the right answer was for them.
Well, but then…at 18 years of marriage I said those fateful words “I’ve never been so happy”
That was a mistake.
Because a few months later, my husband told me that he hadn’t been happy for a long time.
And I went insane.
So insane that my actions led to our eventual separation and divorce.
And then I really want insane.
And still, somehow, I always lived on the brink of disaster but never quite crossed the line to ACTUAL disaster.
I remember how afraid I was to be single… How terrifying it was to consider actually making it out in the world on my own.
But then one night, I remember after a particularly brutal fight, I decided anything would be better than that.
And then there were the many nights spent on my bathroom floor… Crying my eyes out wondering what was wrong with me.
But then I’d get up the next morning and begin again.
I’ll be honest, it got worse before it got better.
But it did get better.
I’m here, years later I guess it’s been 13 years since the end.
I’m someone I like.
I’m a secret keeper.
I trust myself.
And others trust me.
And people come to me for help… Not just because I know what will work for them, but because I’ve lived what didn’t work.
And believe me when I say… There is zero judgment because if I haven’t made your particular flavor of mistake, I’m related to someone who has 🙂
I specialize in helping women who have funky relationship patterns.
And I help people who have an inkling of wanting something more but have no clue where to start.
Well… And I help you learn to love yourself… Despite the funky choices you’ve made.
Cuz there really aren’t any funky choices… There are only lessons.
I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.
I define myself by the courage I have found to forge new roads.
I do not define myself by how many disappointments I have faced.
I define myself by the forgiveness and faith I have found to begin again.
I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.
I define myself by how I have Loved and have been willing to Love again, and how I still Love
I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.
I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.
I do not define myself by how often I have appeared a fool.
I define myself by the number of risks I have taken.
I do not define myself by the number of mistakes I have made.
I define myself by the Knowledge I have learned from trying a new way.
I am Not my pain…
I am Not my past…
I am that which has emerged from the fire!