We’ve all had that crisis of Faith and this blog is about one of the many times I just lost it and had to climb my way back out of this seeming pit of despair
It was in these moments that I learned what Faith truly is and I put it this way…
“My faith in God is my faith in me and my ability to survive, my faith in my angels is my faith in my inner knowing.”
Funnily enough, as I sit here some 16 years later, I am only just beginning to understand this sentiment. In all honesty, I’m surprised that I got it then! This is one of those cases in which broken me from all those years ago is speaking to the woman I am now and showing me how incredibly courageous she was.
For this I am so grateful…
“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see”
Years ago, in the midst of my first separation and divorce, I became angry with God. I remember the moment in which I just lost it. I screamed, I cried, I hit walls, I threw things. I yelled “I’ve had enough of this, can’t you just give me a fucking break? I’m done, I can’t handle anymore, I give up!”
I remember so clearly the feeling of loss and desolation that I experienced. I can actually see myself hitting the wall, and screaming and then sitting on my bathroom floor and crying. I can remember how positive thoughts began to form in my head and I pushed them away. I always believe that angels surround me and it seemed that they arrived to try to give me comfort and I screamed “shut up!!”. It was almost as if they looked at my main guardian angel, shrugged and said…”she’s yours…see what you can do with her”
And so I sat there and cried….cursed God, and felt true loneliness.
After a while, I grabbed my journal and started writing. I told God we were through, I was done…I listed the reasons why I couldn’t take another step, why I just needed to rest and get a break from whatever calamity was in my life at the time. The feeling that I had in those few moments was terrifying.
The next morning, May 12 2005, I wrote the following:
“I’m having a crisis of faith – everything has been stripped away and I’m tired.
So while there is this part of me that is terrified of being alone, there is another part of me that wants to be strong, needs to be strong and just can’t. And in order to have strength, I have to have faith and I just don’t know what to do about that
My hopes have been crushed – I’ve worked my ass off and here I am
Even surrender seems like a lot to ask – cuz I’ve been faithful and the tests keep getting harder.
A voice inside me tells me to just let go. Ok fine, I give up…
God is here – I don’t believe it. I’m angry at God – I’ve had faith and things just keep getting harder. And while I don’t have strength for faith – maybe what I’ve thought was faith was really expectation
Today I don’t have strength for expectations – I’ll just have faith that I’ll keep breathing, I’ll just have faith that I’ll make it through another day. It’s all I can afford right now.
As for God…(long pause)
All I’ve got is faith that he or she is out there somewhere…
It seems like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. Maybe there is no fucking plan, maybe all there is is pain, I’m empty, I’ve got nothing
Look God, I’m tired, I’m down, I’ve lost faith, I’m spent, I fucking surrender. You and the angels have a lot of work to do – and I don’t even think I can hope anymore, hope has betrayed me.
Just get me through another day. I guess that’s all I can ask for.”
So….after a while, I got up, woke the boys up and moved around a bit…and I came to this realization:
“All I have is Faith and my Faith in God and my angels is all that’s gotten me this far, all that’s given me strength, it’s been the source of my strength. To lay it down, to let it go is the worst betrayal of all.
My faith in God is my faith in me and my ability to survive, my faith in my angels is my faith in my inner knowing.
The reason I’m here is because this is where I need to be. It sucks, it hurts and it’s where I am.
It’s also where God is. One of us has to carry this and right now, it’s just gonna have to be God.
I surrender, you take it…I’ll watch”
Faith is all that gets you through sometimes. In those moments of despair, it’s all that you can cling to, it’s a lifeline. And if you don’t want to have faith in God, that’s ok…have faith in something…have faith in yourself….have faith that you’ll keep breathing, that you’ll take another step eventually. Have faith that the sun will rise and set….just know that time moves forward and things will get better.
So let’s talk about your journey with Faith…
- What was your understanding of Faith when you were younger? Has it evolved over the years? What is your understanding of Faith now??
- In times past when you’ve had a Crisis of Faith, can you pinpoint what brought you out of it?? Write about your experience and what you learned.
What tools do you have in your Spiritual Toolbox for dealing with a crisis of Faith?
Try this: make a literal Spiritual Toolbox,
Find a pretty box that you love or get a plain box that you can decorate (cigar boxes are great for this, check with your local smoke shop to see if they have some they want to get rid of)
Fill it with the things you need to be more connected to Spirit. This could be crystals or essential oils, it could be a bible, it could be a small journal or a collection of positive sayings to lift you up, it could be candles or sachets, consider what you would love to have the next time you feel down and be sure to also include a list people you can call to who will listen to you and people who will lift your spirits.