Chapter 4 – From Fear to Fierce

… It’s been 2 years, well I guess 3 since my 2nd divorce.

I’ll admit… I went a bit crazy again after my 2nd marriage ended. And well… The old patterns started showing up again. But this time I had a lot more knowledge. And I had a really supportive circle of friends.

I had friends in my life who loved me… And I soon tired of the chaos that I tried to create. It took about 6 months of crazy and a couple of really good coaches to help me but eventually I stabilized.

There were some fast and furious love affairs, but eventually I figured out that if I didn’t treasure my heart, no one else would.

And then I learned to say no.

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Chapter 3 – Living a Lie

Notice the ring on my finger

So… Yes… My 2nd marriage was a big fat lie.

And I was well and truly stuck.

And worse than that… He had a LOT of money and he married me because I didn’t really think money was that important.

Funnily enough apparently, I also didn’t think my integrity was that important either.

Now… 10 years later, I can tell you that my integrity is more important than just about anything. I have to look at myself in the mirror each day and I like me. I respect me, I trust me.

Now.

I didn’t then.

I always say, it’s a hell of a thing to have your 2nd husband say the exact same thing to you that your first husband did.

And when that happened, I had a choice.

I could think they were both assholes and not telling the truth.

Or I could figure that there was one true common denominator in the equation and it was me.

I chose the 2nd option.

As painful as it was, I decided that if I did nothing else, I could figure out how the hell I got to where I was. And I could learn to make better choices.

And I tried at the marriage. I really did.

It finally got to the point where I said to him “look, we need counseling and if you’re not going to go, I’ll go by myself”

He agreed to go.

And we went for a few months until our therapist fired us.

Yeah… It was that bad.

But I still wanted to figure out what the hell happened.

I wanted to know where I went and how I lost my voice.

I needed to find me again.

And so I dug into Spirituality. I went to meditations, I read, I found teachers. I’d been doing it all along, but now I had a goal and a cause.

I was tired of living a lie.

I wanted to find the truth.

My 2nd husband had one philosophy that served me “happy wife, happy life”.

 

So whatever I wanted to learn, whatever helped me grow and be more peaceful… He was happy to pay for.

And that was when I took the Manuy Ki rites and met my first guide.

And then I met The Grannies. My ancestral guides.

And I met a guide named Shanti who told me that I had a black spot on my heart.

And that was when a friend who was also a therapist taught me about Internal Family Systems so that I could manage all the parts of myself that transformed and changed and protected me by creating chaos in order to protect my inner child.

I learned meditation, I learned to strengthen my Intuition. I learned to hold space for others.

And one night I went to a large group healing. And for some reason, I watched energetic healers and kept putting myself at the back of the line for a reading.

And when I finally got my Angel reading… The girl said “The Angels don’t have an answer to your question, they want you to know… That you know… You always know.”

And that was when I realized… That yes… I’ve always known. Since I was a child… I’ve KNOWN. I’ve always had some force that has kept me from complete disaster… And danger.

I just know.

And slowly, I started telling the truth to my friends and they still loved me.

Slowly… I told the truth to everyone but my husband.

And around that time I got my first Angel Card deck. For some reason I kept pulling the “Truth and Integrity” card.

I really hated that card.

And it took me a while. But eventually I told the truth to my husband. And told him I wanted a divorce.

It was the fastest, easiest divorce in history. I walked away with enough money to live on for about 6 months, but in our 5 years together, he had paid off my credit cards, paid off my car and kept my family afloat when my first husband couldn’t pay child support. He paid for my education and anything I wanted really. I couldn’t in good conscience take away his business…even tho I could have.

I just wanted out.

I help women live a life of integrity

I help women discover the truth of their lives

 

I help women discover their Spiritual gifts

I help other women become more of themselves 😊

Chapter 2 – In Which Starr Loses Her Mind

And then there was my post divorce insanity…

In which Starr lost her mind

And her dignity (if I ever actually had it)

And well… I’ve told my kids that I will pay for their therapy. Still… They seem to be ok so far.

It was crazy.

I so wanted to do anything rather than feel the pain of the loss of 20 years of being married to someone I grew up with, had children with, depended on… For everything.

And believe me when I say… I was not fun to be married to.

I just shake my head.

 

But anyway… It ended, and I threw myself into the dating world. I was in search of the TRUE love of my life.

Funnily enough, I pretty much thought that just about every guy who came along was THE ONE.

Even while declaring that the only one to rescue me was me.

Even while I tried to deal with the absolute anger that I felt… There were levels of rage that came out that terrified me.

Even while I was the model of strength and understanding at work.

Yeah… I was living a lie… I stayed busy so that I could keep running away from the truth.

My weekdays were filled with the image of the dependable single mom who had everything handled.

My weekends were absolute mayhem. I was a picture of extremes.

And then… I fell in love with someone who told me…HE SAID OUT LOUD TO ME… that he wasn’t boyfriend material.

It didn’t matter.

My love would change him.

I could fix him.

He would be so grateful for my eternal love that one day he would look at me and realize that he needed me and loved me above all others.

I still roll my eyes at that one.

And by now, you know the rest of the story.

I broke my heart.

I did it… It wasn’t his fault. I didn’t listen.

I built this fantasy world and ended up dancing by myself…it was me. I betrayed myself.

And so, when I met a man who was completely opposite of my bad boy “not boyfriend material” guy…

I dove right in.

I mean seriously… Why would I ever stop to actually heal when I could just find someone else?

Sigh

 

And all it took was to just be who this new guy wanted me to be.

Even tho it wasn’t really me.

Even tho I hadn’t actually taken the time to figure out if I really wanted to be with him.

Even tho he told me his business would always come first.

I thought I could fix him.

I thought he would change.

I thought he would be so grateful..

And when he asked me to marry him… I said yes.

Because I didn’t know how to say no.

And I got caught in my own trap.

Funnily enough… On our wedding night I snuck off to bed by myself… Without saying good night to him or anyone else… And went to sleep.

Who does that?

I help women who aren’t sure who they are

I help women who have everything in their life handled except that one thing

I help women who would really love to claim their own power over their own life.

 

 

Chapter 1 – A Hot Mess

I don’t know if you would believe it or not knowing me now…

But I used to be a hot mess…

Like seriously…

Marriage number 1 lasted for about 20 years

I was a drama queen. I couldn’t keep a secret to save my life. People were always mad at me for that… Well and for saying things I shouldn’t say and for being someone with one person but then a completely different person with another.

And yet… I Still had wisdom, people still came to me for advice… Because somehow I always KNEW what the right answer was for them.

Well, but then…at 18 years of marriage I said those fateful words “I’ve never been so happy”

That was a mistake.

Because a few months later, my husband told me that he hadn’t been happy for a long time.

And I went insane.

So insane that my actions led to our eventual separation and divorce.

And then I really want insane.

And still, somehow, I always lived on the brink of disaster but never quite crossed the line to ACTUAL disaster.

I remember how afraid I was to be single… How terrifying it was to consider actually making it out in the world on my own.

But then one night, I remember after a particularly brutal fight, I decided anything would be better than that.

And then there were the many nights spent on my bathroom floor… Crying my eyes out wondering what was wrong with me.

But then I’d get up the next morning and begin again.

I’ll be honest, it got worse before it got better.

But it did get better.

 

I’m here, years later I guess it’s been 13 years since the end.

I’m someone I like.

I’m a secret keeper.

I trust myself.

And others trust me.

And people come to me for help… Not just because I know what will work for them, but because I’ve lived what didn’t work.

And believe me when I say… There is zero judgment because if I haven’t made your particular flavor of mistake, I’m related to someone who has 🙂

I specialize in helping women who have funky relationship patterns.

And I help people who have an inkling of wanting something more but have no clue where to start.

Well… And I help you learn to love yourself… Despite the funky choices you’ve made.

Cuz there really aren’t any funky choices… There are only lessons.

 

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